not feeling like one...

I happened upon this piece via a friend's Facebook post, and it put into words so many feelings that I have felt and still feel. I am not an artist, but sub "artist" for "architect/aspiring architect" and you get the picture. I have whittled down some of the essay, but you can read the full piece here.

The hardest part of being an artist is not feeling like one.

Deep down, I wonder every day if I’m a ‘real’ artist. I don’t live and breathe my work. Heck, sometimes I go a week without drawing (though I’m miserable during that week). I don’t smoke or do drugs or wear vintage, paint-splattered clothes like artists should. And yet, here I am, selling my artwork like a ‘real’ artist. 

For months I feared I’d wake up and everyone would have realized and have boycotted my shop. Orders would stop and I’d have to go back to retail or something equally awful.

I still get that fear inside of me when I have a week without a sale. But I realized, in one of those epiphany moments after I’d been crying (yes, honestly crying) because nothing seemed to be going right, that I was made to do this.

The universe designed me to create artwork.

My stubby fingers are shaped for a pen and my near-sightedness is perfect for my love of detail. My addiction to reading gives me endless inspiration. And my overactive imagination gives me the power to create new stories (along with horrible nightmares, but that’s another story).

So, you see, whether I’m a ‘real’ artist or not doesn’t matter because I’m doing what I was made to do. 

Do you ever feel like you’re not a ‘real’ artist or knitter or writer or PR person? If so, ask yourself if you were made for it.

I believe that if you truly love doing something, you were definitely designed to do it, and thus you’re as ‘real’ as can be! 

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I especially remember feeling this way when I started architecture school. I would look at everyone around me and think, "He has an engineering background, he understands structure so much better than me. She has a painting background, her drawings are so much stronger than mine. Why am I here?" Then I would remind myself of all the architecture schools I was accepted to, and that if I didn't deserve to be here, I wouldn't be. So I must be here for a reason.

These feelings are resurfacing as I look for a job. I look at other people's portfolios and think, "now that's an architect how can I compete." Sometimes I get discouraged and I have to remind myself that I am doing this for a reason. I was designed for this.

Architecture perfectly combines my love for creativity and logic. I am not the best artist, nor the best engineer, because I am not wholly right-brained nor left-brained. I am a mix, and architecture is the perfect profession where creativity and artistic expression are balanced by logic and order. I love watercoloring and I love logic puzzles. I love math and I love using my hands.

I know I will never be the best in my profession, but I know there's a place for me. I just have to remind myself of this sometimes.